Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Not everyone loves adoption...

"I love my adoptive parents, but I hate adoption."

"I wish I had been aborted."

"When I see pictures of families with obviously adopted children in them, I cringe."

"I hate 'stranger adoption.'"

"Children who are adopted from other countries are 'bought,' plain and simple."

Are you wincing like I winced when I read these things?  I recently happened upon a web page for teen/adult adoptees who want to vent their frustrations about adoption.  It was eye-opening and terribly sad, and downright scary for an adoptive mom to read discussion after discussion by these people who are so unhappy with their lives. Many of them did reassure everyone that they are generally happy, but hate much about what it means to be adopted.  Some of them had lived years in the foster system, and finally ended up in  adoptive families where they were abused or mistreated. 

Several said they would have preferred to have been aborted.  Many said they think it would be better for birth moms to abort their unborn babies rather than give them up for adoption.

It was heartbreaking to read those stories.  Heartbreaking because we live in a fallen world.  And even something as beautiful as adoption has an ugly and sad side.

All of us in the adoption community know and understand that in order for our treasured children to come and be our children, they first had to experience the saddest, most traumatic thing that a child can experience--the loss of their first family.  No matter how young they were when it happened, it is the same huge loss.  Many also have to leave the country of their birth, leaving them with so many questions that most likely will never be answered.  When you really think about that, you can imagine how difficult it would be.  Never knowing who your DNA comes from.  Wondering if you look like your birth parents.  Wondering why they gave you up.  Wondering if you are being disloyal to them if you love your adoptive family.  Do you have biological siblings?  I am sure these questions can be tormenting.  And I am sure that children who do not look like their adoptive families often face additional inner struggles.  When I was a kid, I just wanted to fit in.  How much more difficult is it for these children to feel like they "fit in" in the world?  Sometimes there is subtle or not so subtle discrimination out there that they may also have to face, and other things to battle that I can't even imagine, not being an adoptee myself. 

Yes, I am sure that as beautiful as adoption is, it does not always feel beautiful to these children.  I am painfully aware of that, and I already dread the day that our precious girl will have to find out that she has another mother who for unknown reasons, did hand her over to someone she trusted to take care of her...but never returned for her.  I hate it that I will have to tell her that more than anything I can imagine.  I hate it that she will have to struggle with issues that I never did.  I will always be sensitive to this fact, and will make it my goal to help her in any way I possibly can.

Now to the second part of my thoughts...

First, please know that I never want to appear to make light of or downplay any of these very real problems and feelings that adopted people experience.  I hope I've made that very clear.  But this is what I would have liked to have added to these angry, hurting people if they would have listened to me. 

They are not the only hurting people in this world. 

Countless children who live forever with their birth families are abused and neglected by them or others.  Birth mothers and fathers sometimes say horrible, hurtful things to their children leaving them with scars that might never heal.  Many people live with sicknesses.  Children get cancer and other illnesses.  Some have it "better" than others in this life, but NO ONE MAKES IT THROUGH untouched by something very difficult.  Nobody. 

So far this is one horribly grim post, I know, but that is the reality of this life.  This earth is not heaven!  There is SIN here.  Bad things happen because sin entered the world and it is here to stay.  Mothers and fathers were never meant to abandon their children, and children were never meant to be abused or neglected by anyone, but these things happen here on the earth.  That is the bad, bad news.

BUT....there is also very GOOD news! 

God made a way for our sins to be forgiven by sending His Son, Jesus to die on that cross and take our punishment.  We can believe it and trust Him to forgive us and save us!  AND, He will not allow this evil to go on forever!  The Bible clearly tells us that someday He will return and make a new, sinless earth.  All will be made right in the end, and vengeance is and will be His.  I don't know if you believe in the Bible or not, but if you study, you will find that nothing has ever been known to disprove it.  And there are so many prophecies in the Bible that have already come true.  If you read and study it, you will see what I mean.  If so many prophecies have come true, we can be sure that eventually they all will.  The Bible can be trusted!

And in the meantime, God is doing wonderful things here on earth, in spite of so much wickedness going on.  Adoption is one of those things.  The most heartbreaking thing to me was those people saying they would rather have been aborted than having been allowed to live.  I wish I could wrap my arms around them and tell them that they were created by God who loves them and has a purpose for their lives.   That they are infinitely valuable, and nothing that has happened to them can change that.  No one should wish they had never been born simply because life here on earth is hard. 

Like I said, all of us have had hard things to go through in our lives, but we can ALL overcome those things with God's help, and go on living in spite of, and even USING those things to our advantage and to help other people.  God does not waste anything that happens to us.  Maybe these adoptees could use their pain to work to make changes in our culture when others couldn't understand how it feels enough to do anything about it.  Maybe they could take what has happened to them and use it to choose to be the best mom or dad they can possibly be, or to reach out to other adopted children or birth parents, possibly helping them to keep their children.

The adoptees on that web page only vented anger and frustration.  Instead, they could choose to encourage each other and lift each other up.  They said they hated it when anyone told them they should be grateful that they were adopted.  But maybe they could CHOOSE to be grateful, and see if it doesn't make them feel better.  I am grateful to my parents for raising me.  Why would it be so bad for them to be grateful to their parents, or at least grateful to God?  Gratefulness is soothing to the soul.  Focusing on being thankful rather than bitter brings huge blessings in all of life!    It all comes down to a choice.  We can choose to be bitter.  Or we can choose to forgive and live life with joy and purpose.  I am praying for these hurting people, that they would find the Giver of true peace, and make the choice to forgive the people who wronged them.

I know this is a different kind of post than I normally write.  I wrote it because it's been on my heart, and since it's my blog, I can say what I feel.  Please, if you disagree with me, don't leave me a comment.  Like I said, I have nothing but compassion for these people, and I fully understand that it can be extremely hard for them in many different ways.  I am only trying to help THEM by suggesting they choose joy in the midst of their sadness.  (And I realize that some might need professional help and counseling.  These are just my thoughts in general.)

So far, our sweet Sarah (aka Red Light--yes, that is what she wants people to call her.  She is unique!), is completely happy and safe in her little world with us as her family.  We love her as much as we possibly can, and to her, we are Mommy and Daddy, and she loves us and knows nothing different.  I know it will become more complicated than that, but my hope and prayer for her is that she will always know that she is infinitely valuable, and that God can and will always bring beauty from ashes.  He has a plan for her life, and it is a beautiful plan.  She is a priceless treasure.

We love you, sweet girl, and are so very thankful for you!


  1. I came over to your blog via my friend Jean's side bar that had your blog listed. What a well-written post. Maybe because you spoke my heart out loud ~ I seriously could have written this myself. I, too, have stumbled across websites and blogs like that, and it is crushing to the soul. Eye-opening, yes. And they may better equip me to address these things as we raise our daughter before someone tries to poison her with bitterness. It DOES come down to choices, for ALL of us. And I could not have said a single line of what you wrote any better. Thank you for this, and for expressing from your heart. Those teenagers need Jesus and they need to understand His grace and love for us in this unperfect world of sin we live in today. There really is so much to be thankful for, and I want to be on that side of the fence, and choose to be a thankful, glass-half-full kind of gal!

    God bless you and I look forward to visiting your blog again in the future. You have a beautiful family. I am really missing blogging and hope to be back in the swing of it myself again, soon. I kind of deferred to FB lately, but it just isn't the same. I miss my like-minded, fellow AP bloggy friends!

    ~ Tanya

  2. Love this post. We too have 3 bios and 1 adopted from China and I am so glad called us to adopt and that we listened.

    Martha from berrybliz.blogspot.com

  3. Each story is as different as the person who tells it. I have a friend who has three siblings; all four of the kids are adopted and each one has a different take on it. One has lashed out; one doesn't think about it; one is grateful; one just takes it in stride. I believe--I may be wrong, but I believe--that, by and large and assuming a normal and healthy home environment, that kids with profound lasting negative responses to adoption will be in a small minority. Will Sarah probably say something negative about being adopted at some point when she's twelve or seventeen or twenty-one? If she's like most kids at those ages (bio or otherwise)...yeah. Mad or sad kids tend to know their parents' weak spots and make unerring jabs at them. But will it last? I doubt it. I really doubt it. I don't know the family stories behind the adoptees that you quoted (or others that I've seen that have said much the same and worse.) I don't know if there's abuse, or a psychological issue, or a failure in society to accept adoption (it is, still, a "lesser" way of creating a family in many people's eyes, which saddens me profoundly.) I also don't know if they'll change their opinion over time. But I believe in adoption. I believe in God's ability to bring together disparate souls and bind them together in communion, in the home as well as in the body of Christ.
    For right now...you love Sarah. Sarah loves you. This is good.
    Life is made up of moments.